The G6 is coming
An unreliable tale of high adventure and industrial espionage on the web
16/9/2003
While most of the civilized world was sleepily learning that Steve Jobs’ Keynote address had about as much weight as a Bluetooth-carried electromagnetic wave, a team of Macuarium forum users worked in the most surprising discovery since Watergate and the gimnastic qualities of Steve Ballmer.
They had found the G6. Now they had to tell it and stay alive.
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| Something that uncannily resembles Apple's web with the G6 on it |
The breakthrough
Apparently it all started when one of them eavesdropped an unencrypted iChat conversation between evident Cupertino insiders copperxmac and Umpa Pululo. They were discussing the schedule of release of the next generations of G5 computers and future generations of iPods. Then suddenly copperxmac let go of the bombshell: he’d heard the first in-house rumors about the G6.
Apparently, he said, this newer-generation computer is built on an innovative design based on unearthly minerals that may or may not come from Mars (Job’s own mothership, currently posing as a shareholder-paid private plane, would be used to collect them). NASA experts brought into the project seem to have used them to build the world’s first industrial-grade continuum transfunctionalizer. This leads to the major innovation: the computer is actually the user, as the G6 runs an electron flux through the cortex of the user’s brain that enables it to harness the power of all unused neuron cells to achieve unheard-of potential yields.
This leads to a surprising consequence: the G6 will raise a bigger benchmark speculation than the recent G5, since the only way to measure its power will be through the user’s intelligence quotient.
The investigation continues
The valiant users were thus put upon the scent of such an informative and computational breakthrough, and they decided to investigate further. They created an underground network of other Macuarium forum users and secretly wrote a “ghost thread”: they would put all new information on the creature on a new thread, and then move it from forum to forum within the system before the dreaded “Moderadores” vigilantes found them and erased it from the collective memory (and maybe even report them to the aliens on the Mothership, which may cause them to have their Apple guarantee voided).
Since the Macuarium forum system spans tens of specialised and dark corners, some of them were able to survive. This information was bought with the voided guarantees of many Macuarians... not to mention those eternally locked in by the cruel Moderadores agent Tio Brildes and the violent [mac.u] fighter team.
The risk and the reward
We hope the reward will be worthwhile, but the valiant investigators where shocked to discover that on the average user, counting dead, faulty, impaired and otherwise malfunctioning neurons, the G6’s performance may not be higher than a 8 MHz Classic. The investigation’s results can be found here, with new and almost painless methods for recounting neurons without a knife.
The only hope for Macuser-kind is that future generations will be improved by a process of natural selection, thus turning the long-mentioned intellectual superiority of Mac users into a real, benchmarkable fact.
The investigation turned a corner and researched into the domain of Macuarium’s highbrow art forum. This entailed a risk: the whole investigative team scored five neurons (three of them on a single person) so the towering intellects at the symbol-driven Café de las Artes forum could prove unintelligible or cause the team’s machucation.
The key is on the G
But the Towering Intellects (TM) actually Knew, of course. They confirmed the dreaded evolutionary aspect of the technology, and even stated that future users would need to be proficient in the study of Humanities.
But they also informed the team about the deep meaning of the G6 name: it stands for the musical note of that name, which Europeans know as “Sol”. Apparently the G6 will cause an armonic resonance between the new-fangled box of the computer (made of high-quality good ole wood) and the user’s brain cavity, as exemplified in the quote: “Impedance spectrum of a modern flute with a B foot measured at the embouchure hole using fingering for G6. Z is plotted in dB, i.e. 20 log(Z/Pa.s.m-3).” (Further explanations may be found here) where the formula "20log(Z/Pa.s.m-3)" indicates the number and quality of the logs used in the hand-crafting by the luthiers in the IBM assembly plant.
Also, they could produce an accurate approximation of the system beep of the new G6 machines.
About the control interface, it will apparently be innovative too, as seen in the previous link: “This fingering is comparable to that for G4 except for the use of the thumb key as a register hole. This creates a pressure node (or flow antinode) about three quarters of the way along the pipe, and thus allows G6 but not G4, G5”. Amazing. This clearly means that the interface will be based on the introduction of a finger (thumb), near its key (thumb key). The existence of a search-enabled orifice (register hole) is expected to provoke the flux of neurons and also of diverse fluids, to be controlled through the adequate key (pressure node) to cause the end of the flow (flow antinode)... it’s crystal clear. This will doubtless warm the heart of old Cube users, longing for the pleasure of searching under the box for the reset button with their index fingers.
A different branch of the Highbrow investigation revealed a project to use an enhanced version of the Uilleann pipes, a concession to the design team at Apple’s Irish factory, in which (see link) we can clearly appreciate the “good ole wood” and the “register hole”.
The Faculty speaks
Thus the investigators left the Café de las Artes forum before word reached the forces of repression, and hurried into an equally highbrow forum: the Mac in Education one.
While they hid among white coats and children lunchboxes, they were able to learn of the worry of the best-informed Teachers: since they used their neurons (they said) as a flagellum for instilling much-needed discipline, it was likely that G6 performance would be lower than desired.
In parallel, they uncovered an actual, ongoing revolutionary effort by a team of University of Valladolid researchers to use the G6 in a world-shifting experiment. Quoting from the linked page: “This mainframe will be the fastest supercomputer in the world and will be used by Dr. Joseph Martin Students-Whip to calculate the number of inpurities needed to turn chlorine from greenish yellow to yellowish green.”
The subject matter, as minutely explained here, is of true paradigm-busting significance. So it comes as a bit of a disappointment that no appropriate results have been produced yet. “It gives off a lot of inappropriate ones, though”, muses the lead scientist. “May be related to the quality and quantity of available neurons”.
Alpha tests
Lurking in the human-vivisection laboratory, the investigators found yet more horror stories. One of the first users to try a prototype G6 model wrote the following:
“Damn I installed the alpha version and arrived late to work. The Network Day and Hour panel is not working and it’s gone and put the configuration help into the Startup Items, so that while I was configuring the motor system I almost didn’t manage to make it to the toilet. I’ve also had to deactivate the Spoken Items control panel since it’s only in English and I couldn’t understand what my wife was saying. The Energy Saver was malfunctioning too: the house lights went off every time I sat down, so I had to breakfast standing.
This comes from using doubtfully-sourced versions. I had to reformat and reinstall, and thank God for the backup copy.”
Word is out that a team at the Trinidad and Tobago secret Apple facilities is working on the cure for the miction problem. It may lead to a “Huggies” plug-in or a stand-alone “MovileCloset” app, which work resident in the background but consume neuron cycles. It doesn’t look easy to solve.
The way into the iPod
A repeated whisper was confirmed also: the new iPod will eventually pack a full G6 (well, yes, it looks unnecessary... but then so do 40 gigs of space...). The vivisection laboratory held the sorry story of one of the first testers.
“The G6 iPod is wonderful, but it gets so hot that I can’t wear it in my trouser pocket: it glows red-hot and my girlfriend is kind of afraid when she sees me coming. So I tried to install the iPod-fan component. As you may guess from the picture, it’s a bit of a problem: I’m cool enough to reach her, but with the iPod in one pocket and the fan in the other, people look at me weird...”
The iPod-fan is a firewire-powered component that Apple developed with Rolls-Royce Engines for the specific goal of cooling the new iPod. The record shows that the bulging victim was offered some help: t-shirts with a “Think different, start here” logo and an arrow pointing to the pockets, or a “It gets so from using a Mac”.
But there are further news: due to the Bernouilli effect, the iPod-fan, when placed under a flat surface, develops a pressure gradient between the lower and the higher sides of the surface that literally allow the G6 iPod to fly. This development dwarfs the G4’s Altivec and the G5’s 64 bits. It may be more relevant than the Segway. Plus, the winglets do give the iPod a decidedly cool look that befits the work of the Holy St Jonathan Ive. But there seemed to be some trouble with the safety belt during the tests: startup, interface navigation and logout require serious padding and stoutness. The last entry reads optimistic. Then a mention about environmental damage and the European Union. Then “They’re coming”. Then nothing.
Other hardware and peripherals
Other forums provided different bits and pieces of information. This way they learned of a probable desktop enhancement: a rearview mirror designed to simplify the viewing of the cranium-mounted monitor. Comments were divided between praise for the design and woe at the planned price tag.
Also there is talk of the G6’s revolutionary cooling system. Although some reports with initial candidate fluids report overheating on Saturday nights and strange Sunday slowness, a Macfixit hack with a special mix of Thai tea could work. The researchers also consider reverting to water, but with little enthusiasm.
Last and most terrific, there is word of the collaboration with the Redmond giant developing a version of Office and a special wireless mouse to complement Apple’s one-button option. Apparently, Microsoft’s controlling device is surgically implanted on the lobule of the right ear (or any soft extremity of choice), and works by shifting it right, left, or squeezing (double clicking). There is no news yet about the other two buttons. But the really appalling news is the proliferation of severe dandruff cases among early Office:G6 testers.
We come in peace, sorta
Disclaimer: any similarity with real events, people or companies is purely coincidental. We were just too bored by the news to let it pass at that.
But the story about the Macuarium ghost thread is real. It exists. Some people have seen it. Honest.
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